**These are just excerpts from some of the letters that I wrote to you over the course of a year. To read all of the letters, see my journals. :)
July 31, 2010
I feel like I conceived you yesterday. Now, before you get grossed out, let me clarify: I conceived you in that our adoption profile was finally posted on the agency website, after seven months of paper work. Birth mothers all over America can now see our information, and technically, our journey toward YOU has begun. I wonder where your mother is…I wonder how far along she is in her pregnancy…I wonder when and how she will find us.
I am praying that she does.
We are going to be a family. Dad, you, and I. And over the years, we will add more babies to our clan—you will be a big brother or sister. We will go through hard times, and we will fight now and then, and sometimes you might even wish that we weren’t your parents (though I hope it never comes to that); but I want you to always remember how much we love you and how much we worked to bring you into our lives. I have no doubt that you will bring us immeasurable joy as we watch you grow and learn and figure out the world.
It’s been a great weekend. You are on the way. I couldn’t be happier.
September 14, 2010
I am getting impatient.
I know that’s silly, but I reallllllyyyy want you! I can’t wait to snuggle you and kiss you and love you. I want to wrap you in a blanket and hold you close to me; I want to sing to you and rock you to sleep.
When will you come??
Today, I got an email contact from a young woman in Warwick, New York. She said, “Hi Rachel and Ryan. I really like your website and would like to talk with you about an adoption plan: I am expecting a baby in November.” When I initially read the words, I was shocked and couldn’t have a reaction. After reading the email to Ryan, I promptly wrote a response, and I have been waiting with baited breath to hear back from her. I’ve checked my email every five minutes for the past five hours. You may think that’s an exaggeration—it’s not. The more I have let the email sink in, the more excited I am about it. It seems too good to be true.
I can’t believe that I could hold you in my arms as early as November!!
BUT, I can’t get my hopes up. I hear sometimes it takes a lot of inquiries before an adoption is actually pursued and finalized. I don’t want to get my heart set on November if it’s not God’s will.
But I hope it is!
Come quickly, Little One!
December 16, 2010
Little Baby of Mine,
Where are you? I am waiting for you. I want to snuggle you close and lay on the couch, looking at the Christmas tree together. I am so desperate to meet you and to hold you.
It’s been a few months since I’ve written. When things with our first serious birthmother contact didn’t work out, I needed a bit of time to think. We were so sure that everything would work out with her…and I guess it has, just not the way that we had hoped. Yet, God has comforted us, and the heartache hasn’t been as unbearable as I think I feared it would be—which just proves one of my favorite scripture verses, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ” (Philippians 4:7).
Even though we will never be that baby’s parents, we drew closer to Heavenly Father through that experience. I learned about letting go of control, allowing people to exercise agency, and continuing to trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise that “all things work together for good to them who love God” (Romans 8:28).
I know that we will get our baby when the time is right.
Is that time now? Are you on your way to me? We got a contact last night from a pregnant young woman in New Jersey. She seems very certain about wanting us to adopt her baby girl, who is due in just under one month (I can’t believe it!), but there are some legal risks involved because of an unknown father. I am so excited but also worried. I don’t know if I should invest my heart in another baby that might never be mine.
I am praying for guidance. I am praying that you are almost here.
Can’t wait to snuggle you close,
January 18, 2011
As far as I’m concerned, you can’t get here fast enough. I am so tired of waiting for you. We are talking to a birth mom right now who is due March 8th. I know that’s only six weeks away, but it seems like an eternity. Every day feels like a month to me now—another day without you.
I thought you would be coming to me around February 4th, and even that seemed too far away. We were chosen by a birth mom last week, but then she changed her mind and chose someone else. I am devastated but trying to remember that when it’s right, you will come to us. I just hate the waiting.
Love you and see you soon,