Noah,
In a few more hours it will have been exactly one week since you came into this world. This brand new experience with you has taught me so much already. My faith in God has grown. I feel as though this experience fits perfectly into the path my mortal life has taken; it’s as though I knew this hard sanctifying trial would come, but now that we’re through the crux of the trial, it’s as though I knew all along it would end in the perfect way that it has. There was a comfortable peace and assurance leading up to you being placed with us by your birth parents.
This week, I re-read a quote that I’d heard in church the Sunday before you arrived: “We are only able to truly love what we honestly sacrifice for.” This was given in a talk about pioneers the day before Pioneer Day. These courageous Saints sacrificed everything for the Gospel and to travel to Salt Lake for religious freedom. Love was their motivation, and increased love for their religion was the result. Similarly, your birth parents were drawn to adoption out of love. Pain and sacrifice was felt on both sides, by the struggles we went through to get you and by the sacrifice they made to give you up. In the months leading up to your birth, your mothers felt the pain of this struggle and sacrifice most acutely. Katie went through lots of physical pain throughout pregnancy and in labor and delivery; your mom went through intense emotional distress, agony, and heartache as she dealt with months of infertility, failed adoptions and waiting with no guarantee that you would finally be ours at the end of it all. In the end, I know that they both love you more because of the sacrifices they made in your behalf all along the way.
Today, I again listened with amazement as your mom recounted to friends the days surrounding your birth. I am so grateful for many of the little details: Your mom was there to witness the labor and birth; I was there supporting her just outside the door and heard your first cries; Drew supported Katie through it all with such encouragement and confidence; Katie amazed everyone with her endurance throughout an epidural-free delivery. I will never forget spending the first morning with you so serene and peaceful in your swaddled blanket, or the adoption caseworkers who were so empathetic, kind and trusting with the adoption paperwork and placement. A culminating moment in the whole experience was having Katie’s dad Mark bless you while surrounded by Katie’s and Drew’s families. It was sacred. In Mark’s blessing, he blessed you that you would know the love of so many families who care about you and that this love will go with you throughout your life. Noah, there are so many people who prayed for you even before your birth. Many of them may never meet you--but they are people who loved your birth parents and adoptive parents and who devoted their faith to giving you and them a happier life. Seven days after your birth, there are 65 comments on our blog expressing happiness for your arrival. The first day after you birth, there were over 700 views of our blog. These are people who were cheering for and supporting you even before you came into the world.
I have felt so many emotions this week. I cried when Drew hugged your mom in the delivery room for several minutes. I cried when Katie’s uncle Bruce and his wife came to congratulate us at the hospital and were so excited for us. I cried when I told Rachel about the unkind email that my boss, Dr. Klein, sent because I had to miss work--I was upset, tired, and worried. But then I cried again when the chief resident, Azi, and my good friends from Buffalo, Creed and Taylor, all sent the kindest texts to me all at once--I was overwhelmed by the caring and support. I cried when Rachel read me the excited blog post that your aunt Ashley wrote about your arrival. I cried when Katie’s dad, Mark, came to our room at the hospital, right after Katie had signed the relinquishment paperwork, and told us that he had given my grandma Barbara a blessing in that very hospital, shortly after he found out about Katie’s pregnancy and her intention to place the baby with us. My grandma has dementia, but he said that she understood through the Spirit what he meant when he said that her grandchildren and great grandchildren would call her blessed. I cried when Katie’s caseworker, Sarah, came into our room and told us that Katie and Drew had signed the adoption papers and you were really our son. And finally, I cried when I was hugging Katie and Drew as they placed you in our arms and said their goodbyes at the hospital.
I’m grateful to hold you, to feel your hair, to smell your newness and to feel devoted to making you happy. All I wanted for my birthday this weekend was to hold you again and be near you. I couldn’t stay away no matter the cost of an airplane ticket or what else I might have to get done at work. I crave spending time with you, and I feel like you have brought a “love high” into my life. Your mom and I can’t stop saying how much we love you. And it’s not just us. It’s Katie and Drew, their families, our parents, siblings, friends, and whoever comes to see you. This weekend, I was holding you in the shade with my back against the stone wall of the Salt Lake temple and people stopped to smile at you and welcome you into the world. Soon we’ll take you to the temple and have you sealed to us. I truly cannot wait for that moment.
As I write this letter and think back on this week, I feel like it has flown by. I’m sad it’s gone so fast. It feels almost bittersweet to recount these memories. It makes me realize that life doesn’t stop, and soon you will be cruising through so many stages of life – walking, talking, school, mission, college, family of your own.
Noah, I love the life I’ve had. I love what God has taught me and what he will teach me through you. I’m so excited that you’re my son and that we get to go through this journey together. I love God and feel his closeness in the sweet way He’s gone about giving you to us. Thank you for coming and for being you. Never forget how much you are loved.
With all the peace, love and happiness in me,
Dad
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